His nickname for me was dog. He thinks it’s funny. I asked him to stop, but he didn’t. When he did it in front of other people I laughed it off even though it hurt and was embarrassed. By now he has a repertoire of names for me that include useless, stupid, pathetic, ugly, fat, crater face when my acne breaks out, fool, disgusting and repulsive.
He told me that I shouldn’t train as a teacher because it meant I would never make any money and I would never amount to anything, but school was the place where I was valued and my paycheques were all we had during his periods of unemployment.
After eight years of marriage we decide to have kids and I believed that he wouldn’t take after his abusive dad because he always said how he’d do things differently. When I was 6 months pregnant, even though the the bump was quite small, in front of friends he called me “the Burlington Beluga.” He thought it was funny. I didn’t. When I was pregnant with our second - during an argument - he tells me I can keep this one and he’ll take our 23 month old daughter and we can split up.
I couldn’t let him take her. We reconcile. I reconcile.
After another row he tells me if we split up he will make sure I never see the kids. I believed him.
He was always frustrated by the kids. In public he enjoyed the image of a loving dad; very proud. Behind closed doors, it was a different story.
I couldn’t bring him to teacher - parent interviews because he was so critical of the kids. He asked for more math homework which they didn’t need. Once we get home he tells the kids they are not good enough. Even when his son gets a 93 in math he says it’s not enough.
He decides himself to give the kids extra math homework which has nothing to do with the curriculum. He sits with his son, ridiculing and terrorizing him. I try to do it with him instead, anything to stop this.
We had huge rows where he yelled right in my face. The kids fled to their rooms. He followed them and hits them. I stand between them and stop him. I tell him he can’t do this. He doesn’t care. When I’m out he shoved my daughter into a bookcase for protecting her brother who he pushed down the stairs.
CAS contact him. A teacher overheard my son tell a friend his dad punches him. CAS arrive and because, just for once, I have been able to make him shut up and listen, they seem to think things are ok. They talk to the kids, I can hear them laughing in the kitchen. CAS write to him and close the case. I am devastated. I’m ashamed. I don’t know what to do.
On vacation he loses his International drivers license and blames our son. He is in a huge rage. His dad and his dad’s family have never seen him like this before. They are shocked. We aren’t. It’s normal.
My son and I sit back and let him search, only giving suggestions because we both know my son will be blamed if he or I find it. Eventually his step mother finds it in the glove box of the rental car.
Over the next few days when ever my son passes me he mutters, “still waiting for an apology.”
He terrified the cats. He threatened to take them to the vet and have them put down. I call them and they reassure me no vet would do that. He terrified us too.
His bad moods last for days, weeks, years. Nothing we do is good enough to avoid his wrath. Sometimes he sat at the kitchen table as we ate dinner and laugh with the kids. I hated when this happened. I waited for the moment when he decided it’s not funny anymore, I knew it was coming, it always did. The trouble was the kids didn’t realize and all of a sudden he’s back to being mad and he loses it on them. I was afraid to let the kids have friends over and encouraged them to go over to their friends instead.
He checked the bank balance all the time and asked me why did you go to this store and spend that? I start using cash back at the grocery store and money my aunt sent for my birthday to pay part of each vet bill, as our remaining cat ages, so they look cheaper. He could spend money on anything he liked, and did. He bought expensive items for himself such as multiple high end watches and things for the house like unattractive art work without any discussion and I’m stuck with it. Meanwhile, I struggled to buy clothes for myself or purchase a small gift for a friend’s birthday without scrutiny.
He woke me up at 6am on weekends because he’s up. I have to ask permission to sleep in. If was not busy doing chores and sat down with a book, he passed me saying “must be nice.” I couldn’t sit, relax or “just be” without being criticized.
He didn’t like my friends and couldn’’t stand my parents. Whenever my parents called he came in the bedroom (where I tried to avoid him) and started groping me. Years later I bless the person who invented the cordless phone so I could walk away from him.
When my parents died he spent every evening on his computer deciding what to do with the money. Even though he hated them, he felt entitled to their money.
After 25 years of marriage and yet another random verbal attack I know I am living with a man who despises everything about me, my kids, my family, my job, my religion and my politics. I look into the future and all I see is misery. The kids will leave and maybe show up for dinner once a year on Christmas. I will continue to live a life consisting of walking on egg shells, being controlled and displaying no emotions. I know I can’t do this any longer. I call his cousin and ask if she’s going to an event to remember the women killed at the polytechnic in Montreal.
***
In the ten years since we left, the kids grew into adults and were able to make their own decisions about what they wanted to do with their lives. My greatest regret is for them, that we did not leave sooner. My ex did take me to court for many reasons including custody, but because he dragged the process out the kids became of an age where he could no longer control them and they remained with me. I continued to teach, and to advocate for children in similar situations to those which my own kids endured.
After an amazing 36 year career I retired. I am active in SAFE and my faith community and do some supply teaching at my old school. Our home is safe and peaceful, we can laugh and be ourselves. I am very happy and deeply grateful for my wonderful new life and for my family and friends who helped me achieve it.
